August 28, 2011

weak and broken

Daniel's friend Matt recently shared that raising children should be seen as a spiritual discipline, like fasting, that strips us to our weakest state, revealing our absolute dependence on the L0RD for our very breath.

Right now Daniel is away on "business." Because we have not even had Jubilee for two weeks, our family unit is in a state of flux and vulnerability.  We are like a house of cards.

Today the cards fell.  At one point, poor Jubilee was the only one not crying, probably because she was holding her music box to her ear like she always does when she is uncomfortable.  I called Daniel in tears but he was two minutes from going on stage and could not possibly talk to us.  I hung up the phone and began to pray, out loud, for the strength to make it through the evening.

I got the kids to bed and wept into my hands by lamplight.  I am so weary.  Six years of motherhood and I am wondering if I've got anything left.  Then I remembered what Matt had said.  Every day that I mother these children with my heart and soul, I am sharing in the sufferings of CHR1ST, and every day that I do that, I am being made into His likeness.  Like fire purifies gold, so motherhood burns away the dross that clings to my heart.  Perhaps one day, I will shine - just in time to be a fabulous grandmother, right Mom?