April 17, 2011

Love, Mom.

My mom said to me a thousand times, "When you're a mother, you'll understand."

Well, Mom, now I understand.

-and here's a note to my little ones, who will someday understand for themselves-

Zion, I hurt your great big heart today.  I heard it in your naturally raspy voice.  I saw it in your tiny, handsome face.

You are going on four years old, and you are loud, and you are whiny, and you are perfectly normal in every way.  A child.  I am going on 31 years old, and I am exhausted.

Absolutely exhausted.

My beautiful, amazing, treasured children, if you are reading this years from now, hear me say this.  It was always my fault, not yours.  I was the adult, and you were the children.  I am sorry I could not be perfect for you.  I would have given everything I had to be a perfect mother for you.  My only comfort is knowing that your Father in Heaven is perfect.

Zion, I just got through cuddling with you in your bed, underneath Bright's bed, underneath the painting of Ruth and Boaz that Sue Sue made for you boys as a parting gift when we moved to East Asia in 2008.  It was late when I sneaked into your room.  Daddy was not yet home from a weekend men's retreat in the nearby mountains.  I had been crying for the better part of the day, because I wasn't invited to something again, and because I'm so far away from my mom and dad, and because I hurt your great big heart.  Cuddled up next to you as you slept, I stroked your tiny forearm, and told you I was sorry.  You murmured, "I fo-give you" and I could smell your breath, and feel the warmth of your cheek and the set of your itty bitty jaw.  Someday, my son, you will be a wiry, happy man, and you will, L0RD willing, love your incredibly flawed mama.

Bright, Zion, Brave, and Jubilee, I will always love you more than it appears, no matter how hard I try to show it.  And for every tear I will ever cause your eyes to shed, I am truly sorry.

With All My Love Forever,