October 02, 2010

Better than nothing

Yesterday, Daniel was catching a cab when he spotted this tiny red bike for sale.  He stepped over to it, purchased it, brought it directly up to our apartment, and proceeded to tinker with it in the mudroom until he had it just right for our little Zion.  Zion, who has been content without a bike because he is so sweet and only ever begs for love, was ELATED with Daddy's four-wheeled surprise.  He took off on it like a champ out in the courtyard later that afternoon and his cuteness nearly took our breath away.

There are days with these children that my love for them literally drives me into another room to cry.  I cry because I want them to have all the best of everything in this life - the healthiest food, the best education, the most nurturing social environments, the most accurate view of G0D, the best memories, the happiest days.  What breaks my heart is that their primary caretaker is broken and flawed.  It doesn't get any better for them than you, Daniel says.  The sad thing is, he's right.

Before we had any children, Daniel brought home some audio teachings out of Kansas City that scared the b'jeebers out of me.  I don't want to bring children into this world, I told Daniel after hearing the teachings.  This world is not good enough for them.  They will suffer.  They will hurt.  They are better off not being born at all.  The combination of my biological clock and our desire to let G0D decide who is better off born or not drove these thoughts to the back of my mind and we were soon pregnant.  With each new positive pregnancy test I have had to beat back the pity I have for the poor little thing in my abdomen, happily growing in his warm bubble, completely unaware of the wasteland that awaits him.  I am not a negative person by nature, and I LOVE life and all the joy that it brings.  Life is good enough for me, you see, it's just not good enough for them.  I want perfection for them.  I guess, however, something is better than nothing at all.  I pray that they will know, all the days of their lives, that if I could have, I would have given them the moon.