October 27, 2007

Role Call

Lately I've been trying to define, in my own mind, my role in life. I know I'm Daniel's wife, and though it has taken me five years, I think I've figured out what he needs from me. The baby, Zion, is pretty cut and dry. Love him and nurse him. But then there's this 2 1/2 year old running around who thinks he's a man. What does he need from me? A few years back, Daniel and I read the book, "Wild at Heart," and it in the author states that the only thing that can affirm manhood is manhood. That is evident even in our toddler. Daniel's presence brings Bright to life. I suppose speeding around the neighborhood on a four-wheeler is more fun than rolling play-dough with mom at the kitchen table. But Bright is particulary uninterested in his mom. Don't get me wrong, it is a joy for me to watch my son and husband do their thing. I wouldn't want Bright to be any less self-assured or fearless, or boyish by any means. But it does leave me wondering...what does he need from me? I can only assume he will eventually fall down hard enough that Daddy's, "You're OK son," won't quite cut it and he'll need to curl up in my arms for a minute or two. But you know, if he never does, I'll be OK with that, too. Because at the end of the day, I know in my heart of hearts that it was my cooking that gave him the energy, and my home that gave him the security to go out and be himself that day. I know he would be - I know all three of them would be - lost without me. And I'll hang on to that.