October 22, 2011


Neediness is a repellant.  Everybody knows that, from a needy girlfriend getting dumped to a needy friend with a quiet telephone to a needy parent getting the cold shoulder from her teenager.  Our tendency as human beings is to squirm free of the grip of a needy hand. 

And then we come to the topic of toddler adoption, and suddenly "needy" is brought to a whole new level.  We're talking shameless, unabashed, every second of every day need.  There's no pride.  She doesn't care who knows it.  Its as if she would climb inside my ribcage if she could, and stay there, until the clouds part and CHRlST himself comes down to calm her nerves once and for all.

The problem is, I am not CHRlST himself, nor do I have his level of patience.  I need my space, people!  Its not like the constant sucking and crying of a newborn.  That stuff is just physical, and even as it grates on you night and day, testing your mental skills, and piercing your ears and making your arms ache, your heart is pretty much left in tact. 

Not so much now.  My heart is torn at all times between wanting to be for her what she has never had, and needing to take care of myself (so I don't end up losing my mind).  I want her to have what she needs, but I am just a person, and I can't be the medicine for her wound.  Only G0D can be, and she is too young to know him.

So as the holidays roll in (which are always hard for me, anyway) please remember me in your prayers.  I have a little girl with a lot of pain, but dinner still has to get cooked, and Brave still needs his mama after his nap, and Bright needs to learn how to voice his opinions respectfully, and Zion needs an audience for his puppet shows, and we need to be done with 1st grade by May.  I'm going to need supernatural strength this winter, my friends.

And please pray for my precious Jubilee, that she will grow to be a woman with a spirit that soars like the eagles, on account of what she has overcome.