taking the blame

Jubi Sue is a great sleeper (a lot of that has to do with her medication, but anyway) and still there are nights when sleep escapes her.  Sleep requires relaxation.  Relaxation requires security.  Security is taking hold in her bones, but the process is slow, like the setting of Jello. 

The other night she was definitely not crying her "I don't feel like being in my bed" cry.  She was crying her "Oh G0D have mercy on my unsettled heart" cry.  I went racing into her room to hold her.

She kept pushing away from me, to get a good look at me.  She kept touching my face and crying.  I said, "Jubilee, are you seeing a time when Mommy was bye-bye?"  (she knows the word "see" and she knows the word "bye-bye").  She howled out, "Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!"

"Oh sweetie," I said, "Mommy is sorry I was bye-bye."

"I fordib you, Mama" she said.  We both cried then.

Here's the thing.  When you adopt a child, you agree to take the blame for saying goodbye to her, even though all you ever did was say hello.  She doesn't know how the story goes.  She's barely out of diapers.  All she knows is that there was a time when her mommy (me) wasn't there.  She's right.  I wasn't.

And I will gladly take the blame for that.